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Push and Pull

This last week has been a dance that feels sort of like a tug of war. One minute I'll feel good and full and alive and the next I'll feel tired and sluggish and over it. It reminds me a lot of sthira/shuka in yoga. Sthira is firmness, shuka is softness, or ease. We need both in our lives so we don't go overly rigid, but we're also not so soft that we don't have any good boundaries or structure. I am really good at oscillating between the two and being in one extreme or the other. Both feel like they have structure. The middle feels too... unknown.

And yet the middle is where I'm called to live. Because when I rigid and trying to be strong all the time, I lose my connections with people. I love my aliveness and my fun. When I am too loosey-goosey, I lose any ability to get anything done at all. I don't want to live in either of those places, and yet... They are comfortable!

I know how to navigate them. and if I'm really honest... I feel good in both places.

It feels good to be so structure that I get shit done and make things happen.

It also feels good to just let a day go by with doing nothing.

But too much of either of those, and I start to feel a bit... lost. out of sync. out of touch. overwhelmed. tired. It's like when you eat too much cake and your stomach hurts. It's a salve for whatever I'm feeling, but only for so long.

what's harder, but also so much more joyful and full and alive when I can get there, is living in that gray area. Living in the space in between, where I'm getting things done but I'm not overpowering my body or bulldozing people to do it. Where I'm having fun and enjoying what I'm up to. Where I feel at ease in the midst of all the work and effort I'm putting in.

Gray area feels harder I think because we don't always know what's coming. At least if something is black or white, we know, or think we do. It feels concrete, manageable. What I am learning lately, though, is that there are few things in life that are truly actually one way or the other. This is actually a great thing in my eyes because then it means I have options and choices and room to explore and try things on. It means I get to live this messy, messy life.

Life is about living in the gray, even when it feels easier, perhaps to pick a side. I know, for myself, I live life better when I'm not siding with one thing or another, but I'm allowing myself to be in the dance of things. To fall, to trip, to fail, but also to soar, to get in rhythm, and to feel like I'm flying.

Working on the dance this week.



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