I stood there at the Market as my friend said, "I think you have an ulcer," and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I'd thought it earlier that week. I'd been so stressed. My stomach pain wasn't going anyway. I was hungry all the time, but never feeling good. I google the symptoms and sure enough... I'm 95% sure that's what it is (but those of you that are wondering, I'm going to the doctor to be sure).
Anyways... it's a lesson I've learned time and time again. I push push push until my body says, " no more" and makes me slow down.
I don't like slowing down. It means I have to deal with things I'd rather not look at. but I also love slowing down for that reason. Because so much happens when I actually let myself feel things instead of shoving them to the side.
I worked my ass on a program to lead and no one signed up. I brushed it off so quickly. "It's fine, there's so much growth happening, I'll be ok, etc" when really underneath all of that, I was really sad and a little bit panicked. I didn't take the time to be sad, I just moved straight to the lesson and then just. kept. working. All the while, my financial goal sat unattained, my schedule I planned out had completely changed, and I was also dealing with feeling so unworthy, because I'd attached myself to that program, like if nobody signed up, it was a reflection on me. I know now that none of that is true. but at the time, because I didn't give myself time to be sad and to feel it, it stayed there and it festered and grew. And before I knew it, I was in the game of likes and views and watches and trying to get people to sign up, which meant everything felt forced and not like me, but I was trying to put a good face on.
My body finally said STOP IT. And it took my husband saying it, too. He looked at me one morning as I was in tears still typing on the computer editing teacher training curriculum because I had to "push through" when he said, "close your computer, grab your journal, go outside, and stop trying to work past everything."
Thank you, lord, for this amazing man.
So did. I journaled and I cried. Over and over and over again this week. I opened the floodgates and let it all pour out.
It opened something in me I'd lost. The writer. The one who wrote and share vulnerable without filter. Somewhere along the way, I'd filtered myself.
Yesterday on my walk, I decided, no more. No more filtering. No more trying to get it right or say the right thing. Just raw, real, unedited words on a page.
I could have done this without posting it here. But I believe there is power in sharing vulnerably. It helps other people feel not so alone. So I'm going to do that. This is the start.
My question for you is... what do you need to start today that been buried? What do you need to unearth? Go do it... I can tell you , just from today and yesterday.... unearthing this is already healing something big in me.
till next week.