What is in the way of you Connecting to Yourself?
Our internet's been out.
Turns out, this is not short term. It'll be out for at least a week. Currently, as I type this in a coffee shop because they have good internet, we're on day 4 of (hopefully no more than) 10.
For any normal person, this might be fine. "What's the big deal?" you might be thinking. "Just use your LTE or you hotspot." Here's the thing.... I live in the country. We're lucky to have 2 bars of LTE MAX. Really in the boondocks out here.
To be fair, I did try. I attempted to teach with my hotspot for a 30 minute class... and proceeded to get kicked off 3 times. So... not an option.
I got the text late Wednesday eve and just about lost my shit. "You've got to be kidding me."
I could feel the panic rising in my chest as I drove home. How was I supposed to survive when my business is basically online? How am I supposed to do my 4 day, all day online yoga training next week? How am I supposed to be on social media? I'm already feeling disconnected in the middle of a pandemic, and now I'm losing what feels like the one life line I had? I did what I knew to do. I started breathing deeply. I attempted to get out my head and all the wild stories it was already starting to spin and back into my body. It worked... sort of.
I'll be honest, there was a very big part of me that wanted to live in the panic. I know how to do panic.
I take control. I control the schedule and all the things. It gives me brain a lot of things to do. It also makes me crazy. like crazy, in my body. I get the shakes and the wiggles and can't sit still and am wired. Like running on adrenaline. In the long run, it's not great for my body.
If you read last week, you know I was focused on softening the edges. Here, it was like another big smack on the forehead from the universe.... softening the edges also means slowing the f down. I'd been creeping back to my pre-pandemic pace of madness, of full schedule, of driving into town all the time, of constantly needing to do something to feel productive. And it was starting to wear on me. So this week, I took a lot of time. I read more. I baked. So much baking. I cancelled the classes I could. I said no to subbing classes. Tim and I watched old school DVD's instead of streaming (and I re-learned how to use the xbox to play them). We also chose to go to bed early instead of watching things some nights. We lit bonfires. It's been surprisingly refreshing. And I was reminded...
Just because I was forced mostly off-line this week doesn't mean connection isn't present or possible. In fact, it might be more so than ever.
The biggest connection I found this week? Connection to myself. Do you ever have those moments where things are lining up so beautifully, or you see so much beauty, and you just know that moment was made for you? Those moments where you feel like your heart might burst? I've had so many moments this week. Epic sunrises that lasted the whole hour of my morning walk with the dogs. A day full of baking and cooking all the things we'd grown this year. Sunset runs. Moments driving listening to Coldplay and being so moved and then driving around the corner right into a double rainbow. (If you saw my Instagram, you know). You can't make this stuff up.
I feel so rejuvenated right now, almost like I'm a brand new person. And it came from having to give up something I thought I really needed. I'm reminded of the phrase we use in Baptiste Yoga, "Give up What You Must." It could be giving up fear of failure of how something might go, or giving up your perspective of a certain person. When we can see what is in the way and give it up, we have the chance to discover situations newly... to transform our lives.
Turns out, I will survive without internet. And some days, in fact, I'm better off without it.
I'm very much looking forward to Wednesday and having the internet back... and until then, I'll savor this slower time, and enjoy hanging in coffee shops to get my work done. What is in your way right now? What do you need to give up to get more connected to yourself? I'd love to hear from you. Email me back with your thoughts so I can keep you in mine this week.