All of Me: Reflections on Turning 35
It's my 35th birthday today and I had this whole blog written out on the unknown and what is actually coming up for me is love and celebration: specifically: loving and celebrating ALL of me.
Those of you that know me know I LOVE birthday and am unabashed about sharing that it's my birthday and celebrating for at least a week in February. As someone who often leans toward people pleasing and the need to be liked, my birthday is a day that makes me feel so deeply loved by so many. And. I'm seeing I can have that any day of the year- that there are people who are for me and love me and support me whether it's my birthday or not- and also that I can give all that good loving to myself.
This thought really started Saturday afternoon at Succession Winery at an early celebration with some of my lady friends. We started talking about Astrology (my latest favorite right now!) and our moon and rising signs.
Here's an excerpt from my chart:
"Social relationship are extremely important to you. You are generally charming with an easy-going manner. It is generally quite important to you that you are personally popular, to come across in a pleasant way, and to be liked and appreciated. Sometimes, vanity is part of the package."
Ouch. Also- 100% accurate. I used to pretend like I didn't care about those things, but I've come to see they are true and a part of who I am. I can hate that characteristic of myself or I can embrace it and choose how to lean less toward the vain side of things. I can enthusiastically say, "Yes, it's true, I do love being the center of attention," without feeling shame, and also without looking to being the center of attention to fill a void within me.
The first half of my 30's, I feel like I've gotten to know myself on a completely new level. I've struggled with negative thoughts and doubts and wondering if I'll ever amount to anything. I've lived in a trailer and a 10 x 10 shack (Affectionally dubbed the Hobbit House) and a wall tent and made it through crazy winters in Okanogan County. I've launched programs that no one signed up for and launched programs that were wildly successful. I've made new friends and let go of friendships. I've dealt with hardship in my marriage and pondered divorce. It's been a wild ride. What I've seen in the first half of this decade of life is, the more I sit with what's happening, the more I embrace it all, the more I choose to dispel what's not serving me, the more I've started embracing... ME!
Me, who often farts and then laughs because she's embarrassed which makes her fart more. Me, who loves burpees (for real).
Me, who loves to be in the spotlight and be the center of attention.
Me, who has a huge heart full of kindness.
Me, who is a little bit anal about her yoga playlists.
Me, who loves welcoming new people to yoga and to town
Me, who loves seeing lives transform
Me, who spoons with my dog in bed every night (yes, under the covers)
Me, who would rather live in yoga and crossfit clothes than dress up.
Me, who loves living Tiny
Me, who cares deeply for the planet and the environment
Me, who can be quick to judgement and lean toward gossip.
Me, who doesn't like confrontation, but is working on it.
I could go on. I write each of those things and I smile, knowing even the challenging things about me and my personality are part of me and are not things to fix, but rather opportunities to make changes that serve me. Embracing myself and being unapologetically me has felt so damn good. And... it's still a work in progress.
I'm seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, though. I'm seeing the glimmers of gloriousness as I step fully into who I was made to be and continue to do the work to be the best human I can possibly be. It's fitting now to share another piece of my astrological chart:
"Her path is to discover and embrace her own values and to establish her self-worth through her own efforts"
Heard, universe. And I'm on it. :)
So today is a full on celebration to the max, and not just a celebration of me, really. A celebration of each of you reading this who has been a part of my life and touched me or inspired me in some way. Whether our paths crossed for a day or many years... I am celebrating all the people who have helped make me who I am. I am celebrating the chance to be alive and to live and to grow!
This is also a reminder to each of you to celebrate yourselves... and not just on your birthday. Every day. Celebrate who you are and what you are doing in the world with all the enthusiasm you can muster... because you are worth it. We are ALL worth it.